Not Yet
by Aiseki Anrui
Summary: All he had to do was die. Die, and then he could be free.... I’m sorry Kanan, but not yet. Not yet.It's a crap summary I know.


**Author: **Aiseki Anrui

**Title: **Not Yet

**Summary:** All he had to do was die. Die, and then he could be free…. _I'm sorry Kanan, but not yet. Not yet._

**Disclaimer:** The works of Gensoumaden, Reload, and Saiyuki Gaiden are all created and owned by Kazuya Minekura. I am just a humble follower of Minekura-san's works.

**Notes: **I started out this fic seriously, hell bent on making it turn out beautifully. However, it didn't work out the way I wanted to. So, instead of giving you a wonderful story, I've given you the fruits of my harassed labors. This is what happens when your trying to write angst while eating tabouli, doing your best friend's summer school homework, calling up Dancing Dragon to find out exactly WHY my painting hasn't come, and yelling at my cat for playing with my printer. Enjoy.

**Not Yet**

_What a perfect way to die._

Hakkai turned the blade over in his hands, running his thumb along the deep blood groove. Cradling the knife, he marveled at its still-even surface. It was stained with her blood, and yet the dagger was still smooth and sharp. No dull edges, no specks of rust. The knife was still perfect in almost everyway, its only flaw being the red-painted blade. Her long-dried blood had dyed the metal a dark crimson, the color of Gojyo's accursed hair. Though old and dried, her color was still as dark and as fresh as the night she spilt it. Most bloodstains lighten with age, but not hers. No, Kanan's blood would stay fresh and vivid forever.

_Kanan……_

How long had it been? How much time had passed since she had painted the blade red? How long ago had it been since he last saw her face, and heard her voice? Hakkai could no longer remember. Months, he knew. Years, maybe. But it didn't matter. To him, every day without her was a thousand years, and every night was an endless torture. And those self-inflicted tortures aged him more then any man-induced one could. Sometimes though, those tortures would walk out of his dark dreams, and into his life. Her face would begin to appear every time Hakkai opened his eyes, and in everything he did, and everyone he met, she would be there.

Gojyo's hair was the color of her blood. Goku's happy grin was the same as her smile. Every time he looked at Sanzo, Hakkai could see Kanan peeking out at him; from behind the tangle of blond hair, and from the depths of those drooping violet eyes. The sunshine was her face, the birds' song was her voice, the waterfalls her infectious laughter. The rain was her tears, the flowers were her scent. Everything was apart of her, and Hakkai could not escape it. Her face haunted him, and no matter where he was, night or day, rain or shine, her ghost would always follow him.

Hakkai knew what he wanted. Freedom from this torment, liberation from his constant agony. All he wanted was to be with Kanan, in a place far from India, far from Shangri-La. A place where no one knew of or cared about sacred scriptures and war-hungry gods, youkai magic and demon resurrections. To be free from this life, to be unbound from the chains of responsibility; that was his dream. And he knew that it would be easy to get.

All he had to do was die. Die, and then he could be free. Free to be with her. Hakkai could hear her voice inside his head, begging him to come to her, asking for him to leave this world, and go to hers. The words echoed in his heart, and he knew that was what he wanted. Hakkai had promised her voice often enough, sworn that he would go to her eventually, at the right time. Once everything was over. Once everything was done.

_Once everything was done._

Done. It wasn't done. They still had a long way to go. India was still thousands of miles away, and the resurrection of Gyumaou still had to be stopped. Besides, they still had to deal with Homura, Zenon, and Shien. There was so much to do, so many people to stop. As much as Hakkai disliked it, he knew that it was their responsibility and theirs only. He knew that he couldn't put his needs over everyone else's. That would be selfish.

So he would wait. He would do his job, perform his duty, make sure everyone's okay. But as soon as he was able, Hakkai would slip away, retreating to a quiet place where he could think about her. Kanan. His love, his light, the only thing that kept him going in this far from perfect world.

Staring down at the blade, Hakkai smiled. "What a perfect way to die," he whispered. To die, impaled on the dagger that she used, still stained with her blood, would be perfect. Hakkai knew that was the only way he could go. Then, he would feel what she did, and her blood would mix with his. Hakkai would die the same way Kanan did, with the very same blade. And, once this was all over, at the same place too. It was fitting. Hakkai should die the way she did, the way he saw her every night in his dreams. That was what he wanted, and he knew that it would not be too long until he did it.

"Hakkai?" A voice came from behind.

Hakkai looked up to see Goku standing in the doorway. "Yes, Goku?" he replied, immediately plastering on a smile.

"Ummm…. The waitress downstairs brought dinner, and I thought you might be hungry." Goku looked at him, and tilted his head. "Hey Hakkai, are you okay?"

"Oh, yes," Hakkai reassured the teen. "I'm quite alright."

Goku frowned. "Are you sure?" he accused. A moment later, he shrugged. "Well, come get some food, 'cuz otherwise, you're not gonna get any, and _then _you'll be unhappy." The look on his face obviously stated that to miss dinner was Goku's worst nightmare.

Hakkai nodded, the smile still stuck on his face. "Alright, I'll be down in a second, okay?"

"Okay," Goku said. "Just better watch out 'cuz Sanzo's in a really bad-"

Suddenly, a loud voice floated up the stairs. "Beer! Meatbuns! Oh hell yeah! Eh, Sanzo! Look at the hot chick! She brought us beer!" Gojyo's voice echoed through the inn.

Goku's eyes suddenly widened. "M-meatbuns?" He whispered. Then, he took off running down the hall. "GIVE ME THOSE MEATBUNS YOU PERVERTED ERO-KAPPA!" And just like that, the saru was gone.

Hakkai smirked a bit, and shook his head. That was Goku for you. Turning back to the knife, he stared down at it for a moment. He wanted to go to her, and he knew that he eventually would, but not now. When everything is over, when everything is done, then he'll do it. _Just wait a little longer Kanan._

He got up, sheathed the dagger and slipped it into his pocket. Turning around, Hakkai left the room he and Sanzo shared, and walked into the hall. When he was at the foot of the stairs, his friends' voices began to fill the air. Shouts of "They're mine, you baka saru!" and cries of "Hands off, perverted kappa!" filled the air. A moment later, right on cue, a large shout of "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT QUIET, DAMMIT!" silenced the two youkai's argument.

Hakkai chuckled, when Goku's voice floated up the stairs again. "Eh, Hakkai? Are you comin'?

He sighed, and glanced at his pocket. The knife was still there, and always would be. It would be waiting for him, just like she was. Someday, he would go to her, but not now. His friends still needed him.

_I'm sorry Kanan, but not yet. Not yet._

Then, putting on a smile, Hakkai walked down the stairs.


End file.
